Special Quest: Understanding What I Can Do for Me

Difficulty Level: Challenging

I appreciate when people say they know what it feels like to be me. I really do. I get it that they want to express their sympathy and of course, they have good intentions. On the other side, we know well that we have difficulty understanding ourselves, let alone walking in others’ shoes.

For example, I grew up quite well in a joyful surrounding and lived on an easy street although I can’t say that my family is wealthy. I immersed myself in a wonderful childhood and explored a lot of experiences as a young lady. But, as time goes by, I learn to take responsibility for many things. Don’t get me wrong, I love being responsible. I love it when people give me their trust and I succeed at managing them. But, it keeps getting out of my hand. Plus, a parent figure in my family always plays this emotionally manipulating card to the point that I feel it’s a must to take care of everything. No wonder I always feel insufficient inside.

People tend to be unaware of things about themselves, I am no exception. Until one day I found myself keep giving to others while in fact, I also wants to be prioritized. I never think twice to give to others. But, every time I get myself something that I’ve been wanting, I will constantly blame myself for having it. Thinking that I should have given my blessings to others, especially my family members.

It’s like I shut down every voice from the inner me even though I know exactly I don’t even want big things. I just need something for myself, anything, without having to worry about what I should do or what could happen if I acted otherwise.

Luckily I have my sweet friends who remind me that I deserve a little good for myself and that I’m a human too, despite the fact that I’m an adult, I need to stop clenching my jaw all the time.

So now, I’m learning on a daily basis, I’m exercising myself to think about myself at the same time as I think about others. Just so I can grasp an understanding to be fair to myself as well. Since I’ve been beating up myself for God only knows how long.

It’s true that the self-love journey is a rocky road and can be painful sometimes, it’s a lifetime process. I’ve proven it myself and this note is a reminder that today once happened. That I’ve gone through all the adversity and finally passed it.

Thank you, myself. For hanging-on. For working hard, for standing up for yourself. Much love, Jovanka